this desert is never ending

the only mirage shimmering in this wasteland is a myopically bitter man with a cynic's hidden heart. i don't know how or why he holds my fascination like he does. perhaps it's only because i have nothing else to focus on in the distance.

i still dream of tumbleweeds. i still send my messages to you hoping someday you'll realize it was i who sent them.

whose dream am i

i have been bouncing around the different blogs today and came across a link on a page belonging to enemy of the republic. it's all in fun and, quite frankly, not a whole lot of it is true but considering the dream i wrote about recently, this is rather frightening, especially the final remark.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

the dream is different this time

i had a strange dream last night. one of those dreams where a man from your past or some familiar composite asks you to make up your mind and then disappears like a whisp of smoke seconds later because you took too long to make your decision.

but last night was very different. andy ( who i mentioned in the other blog in the chapter, ghosts and manifestations) approaches me about going to a play in a remote theatre in the woods somewhere. he hands me a map showing the various theatres and asks me to make a decision. i stand there looking at him, wanting to ask all the questions that are screaming in my head such as, why are you here? why after all this time? why me? just why?

but i don't say anything. i take the map and walk away and look at it for awhile. any choice would require a trek in order to reach it, but that doesn't frighten me. of course, there are obstacles in dreams that keep you from getting back in a timely manner, and in the dream i was at work.

i am finally able to make my way back to where i left him, but it isn't andy that is waiting for me. it is a man as tall as he is, with darker hair and a light beard and mustache. he sees me approach and he has this look in his eyes as if he is afraid of what i will have to say. he stands up and comes to me and asks, "so, what have you decided?" there is no apprehension or fear in his voice as he asks me.

i can find no voice of my own to speak which he senses and puts his arm out for me to take. i can feel that this man is everything that i have ever needed and all i have to do is take his arm and go. his touch says my decision can wait, that he will wait with me until i am ready to make it.

*******************

yes, this dream was definitely different. this one scares the hell out of me, in fact. it is full of hope that someday i might not be alone anymore. that there might be someone who would hold me and keep me warm while i wrestled with the ghost of my loneliness.

and finally, yes. i did take his arm. where this dream takes me now remains to be seen.

it's 2 am

i see the wind caress the trees
and i am jealous.

i wish i had someone to touch me so.

tumbleweed daydreams

amias tagged me and here it is. i mentioned fiction. and here it is for the most part. i've never been able to write anything without letting something of myself get into it. you decide if it actually is.


being alone does strange things to the mind. you begin to get emotional when you see couples cuddle, even the sound of them arguing is enough to bring tears to your eyes sometimes. that has, more or less, become my predicament. i have disconnected myself from pretty much anything having to so with the opposite sex or of any thought of any warm interaction with them. that said, i still find myself feeling lonely sometimes with no one to connect with even on a friendly level.lately, i find myself thinking about someone that doesn't exist, a dream man, as it were. in my mind i write notes to him and he writes back with snippets of poetry from famous poets who have said what he can't seem to express to me himself. these mental exchanges are intense and lively, but of course, i know that they will never be real. like the man himself, i can only imagine his scent rising from the heat of his skin when he is near me and it makes the loneliness so much more bittersweet.i had a job interview last week and all i could think about was what bit of love would my dream man send my way. something by cummings perhaps, or neruda. or maybe he would be in a flowery mood and send a sonnet from shakespeare. like a kid caught daydreaming in school, i answered the questions from the interviewer after only hearing the last few words. i must have done something right, they called me friday night to offer me the job.so now, i am back to writing anonymous love notes to no one and posting them on bulletin boards around town. much like that story by louis l'amour of the woman who wrote down the poetry of her loneliness, tied it to a tumbleweed and let the wind carry it away.


ever since i wrote that something has been nagging me. i have this urge to start putting down the poetry of my loneliness and share it. actually, my orginal thought was to put it in an anonymous classified ad in the local paper. that is still an option. but, for now, i will leave it here, for you.